


Lies

by baeksbabygirl



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Betrayal, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2019-02-01 04:56:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12697815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baeksbabygirl/pseuds/baeksbabygirl
Summary: Baekhyun is left with nothing but a reminder to himself that everyone leaves at one point or another...





	Lies

Tears staining his face, and fists clenched tight over his eyes, he wants to scream at the songs playing on repeat, but knows that it’s what is giving him this emotional reprieve, allowing for the tears to fall down his cheeks when he’s kept them locked up for so long.

It sounds like angels singing in a choir, voices so beautiful that he’s got caught up in ethereal sound of it. Drums beating and piano melting into his head so sweet that the tears can’t help but run faster in streams, even as he tries wiping at them.

Baekhyun had tried to let it out earlier, had tried to let the sting of it keep the other man there with him as he said the poisonous words, but he doesn’t know anything but how to hurt those he loves. The toxic love that used to be his. He knows that he destroys everything he touches, knows it with a resounding fault, because it’s been like this for years.

He’s been called heartless a few times before, been called _bitch_ and _whore_ even though he’s never been one to sleep around. In fact, he’s far from the second that he’s only loved two people in his life.

The first left him writhing in shadows alone, leaving him in the cold of winter until he found his way back to warmth. It took Baekhyun a long while to find his way back, took him a long while to trust others too, and for others to trust him. He doesn’t know what it is about being hurt that makes him lie more, doesn’t know what about it makes him fall in on himself and bar anyone from getting to know him, getting to know the real him.

He’s been so lonely, deep inside his own lost soul. Baekhyun never knew that he could love again after that first time, not when he sees Jongdae leave him out there in the cold, only allowing for the wind and frost to consume him a bit more, turning him all the shadows and frost.

“You were my first love.” He says half to himself and half to the wind blowing through his window, causing things to go flying off his shelves. He wonders if the neighbors in the apartment next door can hear the wind whipping, and the shelves waiting to throw their books off, the little cards and memorabilia he collects scattering across the wooden floor.

Baekhyun knows that it’s a lost cause to think back on the things that he once had, but has now lost. He’s not getting them back, and he supposes that he doesn’t want someone back that saw and treated him like trash. It’s a miracle that he survived, he wants to tell himself. It’s a miracle that he survived and found others to help and love him.

Except there were others after that had hurt him, maybe even more so than the first. And perhaps he’s a little been too bottled up when it comes to his feelings, keeping a bright smile on his lips while trying to remain like sunshine through water. He wants to appear transparent, even with a wall up half the size of Everest. He’s always been like this, with smiles shining when the cameras are on, when there are people watching his every move. Baekhyun wonders when it will stop, when he’ll stop trusting people when they only hurt him.

It’s a cause for worry, the fact that he has had so many failed friendships, so many failed relationships. Maybe it’s just because he has poor judgment, or maybe it’s because he trusts too much when everyone is a sinner.

Not that he’s trying to absolve himself of any wrong doing, he’s done plenty wrong too, and he likes to blame things on himself first. He wants to say that it’s all of his fault until friends tell him otherwise. Friends that have changed so many times that he wonders why he can’t keep them for more than a year or two.

The new round of friends that he’s amassed for himself are new and shine like golden silk. There has been ups and downs, and they’re all a little broken. But he’s introduced to Minseok, and to Yixing, and to Jongin too, who keeps him steady when things go wrong for either of them. Jongin lets Baekhyun cry when there are hard things he’s going through, and Baekhyun is Jongin’s shoulder to cry on when the other man has lost things and feels betrayed.

Because Baekhyun has been there and he feels it deep in his soul like darkness spread through the night.

Jongin isn’t his second love though, he’s just a friend that is there for him. They’ve known each other no more than a few months, and yet Baekhyun believes he could trust Minseok and Jongin with his life. He’s told Yixing as much, even though their communication has been sparse the past few weeks.

It’s due in part to the way Baekhyun falls off the face of the earth every few days, and how Yixing has his own work to be worrying about. But he’s still a friend that asks him how he’s doing, and Baekhyun breaks down every time.

It’s easier to divulge his secrets by text message than in person. He knows that if they were to see each other in person Baekhyun would smile and say that everything is fine, say that he’s the best he’s ever been, even when he’s slowly falling apart from the inside out. Because that’s just who he is as a person, and he’s trying hard not to imagine harming himself and pushing all of his progress down the drain with whatever blade he takes to his skin.

Because he can still see the scars that have been there for years since the first time, can still see the scars from last year, too, when he lost what mattered to him most. He can’t help but feel as though he wasted a full year of his life on another person. On someone that he thought was his, on someone that he thought he could have a genuine future with.

Chanyeol was his everything, and yet at the end, Baekhyun learned that they were nothing.

It was a trick of the mind, something that he had conjured up in his head. There was something wrong with him, something that he couldn’t voice. Because clearly there was something wrong with him if he lost so many people for caring too much about them. Because caring too much for people has gotten his lines caught off, communication going void and friendships going missing.

A full year and all those weeks in between. He’s lied to save himself a lot, lied to save those he’s loved. And he doesn’t know how to stop. It’s like one big wheel that has become his life, and suddenly the wheel is spun and he’s back at the first block, repeating what had happened in the past.

Baekhyun is back at the same song, it’s cadence falling in too deep until he’s sobbing once more, and he can’t stop the tears as they run from the corners on his eyes to the line of his jaw. It’s been too much wrapped up in himself that he doesn’t know how to stop it now, and doesn’t want to turn the music off for fear that he’ll just close himself up once more, become this cold, unfeeling sort of person yet again. He likes the happiness, likes the bright bubbling feeling in his chest, and yet right now it’s disappeared with the tears, even as he tries to remember all the good times in between.

It’s like a roller coaster, and suddenly he’s upside down, stuck that way. He’s got a dark, numb feeling following him everywhere he goes, and suddenly it’s caught up to him, slowly suffocating him until he actually wants to die.

Until he thinks that maybe it will be a good thing if he disappears and no one has the chance to hurt him ever again, if he doesn’t get the chance to hurt anyone else every again.

Because he knows that he has the capacity to harm others – knows that Minseok, Yixing, and Jongin are his friends, and they mean so much to him, but he doesn’t know who is telling the truth when they saw they love him just the same. It doesn’t make sense for them to love him, as it never made sense for Jongdae or Chanyeol to show him the time of day either.

He was a child at first, and then he had become an adult frozen, damaged. He allowed for someone to consume him, and then had allowed for it to all fall apart. He had said the wrong things, had done the wrong things.

And here he was, still left broken on the floor.

Baekhyun wondered if there would ever be a time when he didn’t feel like this, when he wasn’t so close to the edge of falling apart and staying there in the shadows. He wondered if there would ever come a time when someone loved him, and stayed by him no matter what he said, no matter what poison he fed into the waters to keep people distant from him.

That was what he did, after all. He poisoned them all until they realized it was him. He poisoned himself enough that he was the one choking.

And then by the time he actually apologized, they had all fled from his side. They were all gone, and he was left crying on the wooden floor surrounded by pictures and books and pages left torn and fragile. Flowers left dead on the floor, glass vases left shattered and stinging as he tried to reach up on his feet, enough that blood spilled and mingled with the salt stains from his tears.

He wondered when the wall would come crashing down on him again, and when, even when it crashed down, the enemies didn’t come charging in with any sign of his weakness.

Baekhyun wondered when someone would cradle him in their arms, promise that they weren’t going to leave him, and actually mean it.

**Author's Note:**

> This is more for me than for anyone else. I needed to write something and post it for closure if that's really what this can be called. I really don't even know what this is, it's something, and this isn't even half of my thoughts.


End file.
